He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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