My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
