about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
