wrigley field is MILF paradise
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
