she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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