I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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