dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm bleeding and have questions
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
