Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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