I haven't been this sober since birth.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
