i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
