The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
