We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
