Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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