my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize