Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
