8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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