I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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