She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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