she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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