I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
