just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
