Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize