He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We are two peas in an std pod
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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