We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
