Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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