Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
