Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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