I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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