The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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