I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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