Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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