cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
worst night to have a conscience
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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