Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
