It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
