i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
