There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
