He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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