I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
