Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
