i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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