Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
