I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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