i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
And my parents said I crawled through the house
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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