I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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