your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
