Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
home. puking in laundry basket.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize