I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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