then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
