Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
