im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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