The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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