you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
