so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
