It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
