Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize