The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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