I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
