I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
