final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
