Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
