Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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