Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
