I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
