so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
