When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
its liver damage thursday
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
