Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
